A Series of Unfortunate Sexy Events
by SlutAndTheFalcon
Summary: This will blow your minds. Multiple pairings, mainly Bamon with Klefan, Elejah and Koleremy. And Alaric the pedo. Aha. Warnings inside. R&R!


**HAI! Ya, we're back bitches. The Slut and the Falcon, boom.**

**This story shall have you in fits of laughter. Hopefully. Please note that some of these texts are real. Or most. We're weird. K? Good. ENJOY. **

**Notes: WARNING. CONTAINS LOSTS OF OFFENSIVE SHIT. Do not read if easily offended. Contains slash, mentions of incest, kinkiness, randomness. Purely comedy. No flames. **

**Bonnie is book Bonnie because we hate the one in the show. Book Bonnie is more amusing. The rest are TV. K? Cool.**

**This is completely AU. It's based in high school, and they're all friends, ish. It's mainly texts, with a bit of other shit thrown in there. Apologies if it makes no sense.**

**Disclaimer: We own NOTHING. Except some text messages. And our cell phones. Whatever.**

**ONWARDS**

_Damon: _Have a good time shopping. :D

_Stefan: _I will, and you have a good time in Denver. Miss you bro.

_Damon: _Yeah, yeah. Make sure Bonnie doesn't die without me and keep it clean.

_Stefan: _Can't promise anything, brother.

_Damon: _If you touch Bonnie, your spine will be twisted. Bare that in mind brother.

_Stefan: _Mind bared. Though looks like I'll have to spend the night with her too. *insert evil maniac laugh*

_Damon: _Leave her be, or else I WILL hunt your down. The bitch is mine.

_Stefan: _Only if she's unwilling.

- 4 Hours Later -

_Stefan: _Stonnie sex in the changing room? Baaaad idea.

_Damon: _Ew.

_Stefan: _Yum.

- 2 Hours Later -

_Stefan: _Last night I had a nightmare. We had sex. It was actually quite good. You're good at sucking cock bro.

_Damon: _That's not a nightmare, brother. That's just everyone's fantasy.

_Stefan: _Sadly brother, that was Bonnie.

_Damon: _Don't deny it Stefan. It was totally true.

_Stefan: _Maybe brother. Maybe.

- Meanwhile -

_Damon: _Have a good time, love. Don't get it on with my brother. Stonnie makes me throw up in my own mouth.

_Bonnie: _*insert picture of Bonnie wearing leather studded collar* You shouldn't allow your brother to shop with me.

_Damon: _The only reason I allow him to shop with you is because you need a gay best friend. Hmm... I think we'll need to buy a chain for that collar. ;)

_Bonnie: _Stefan says he hates you. Know a place? ;)

_Damon: _I love him too. I know a few places, actually. ;)

_Bonnie: _I got him in a dress. His toys hung out. Mm. You'll have to show me.

_Damon: _I didn't even know he had toys any more..

_Bonnie: _Fuck. I meant tits.. .

_Bonnie: _*insert picture of strip mug* Stefan wants this.

_Damon: _Get him a Klaus one.

_Bonnie: _He says he likes the idea. But he would prefer a Damon one. Willing to model for it?

_Damon: _Tell him that it's incest. I wouldn't mind modelling for you though, Redbird. ;)

_Bonnie: _I'll note that in my diary then Damon. ;)

_Bonnie: _Stefan is such a nerd. Screw him.

_Damon: _What did he say now?

_Bonnie: _He was talking about cranes. As in the bird. He confused me. The dickhead.

_Damon: _Right.

_Bonnie: _By the way, ignore your brother. Stonnie never happened, all I could think of was that Bamon is much kinkier. ;)

-A Couple of Days Previous In Assembly-

_Bonnie: _-.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.-

_Damon: _You just made my phone vibrate by my dick. Nice one, Bon.

_Bonnie: _My apologies. Did I wake up Damon Jr?

_Damon: _He was awake the moment I saw you.

_Bonnie: _Meow. Down boy.

_Damon: _Maybe if you stopped blushing like a virgin, I'd be able to.

_Bonnie: *_blushes like a virgin_* _Shut up before I do it for you.

_Damon: _Do what for me? ;)

_Bonnie: _Meet me in five in the janitor's closet down the hall and I'll show you.

_Damon: _Unf.

- Meanwhile -

_Klaus: _Hey big boy. ;)

_Stefan: _What's up, sexy?

_Klaus: _Oh, nothing. Just thinking of you, naked, last night... Mm... ;)

_Stefan: _Oooh. Baby. You're turning me on already.

_Klaus: _My dick's so hard. You ought to meet me somewhere private, love. ;)

_Stefan: _Got somewhere in mind?

_Klaus: _...Your ass. ;)

_Stefan: _Be serious.

_Klaus: _Ooh. I love when you get serious. ;)

_Stefan: _Do you want sex or not?

_Klaus: _Yes. Yes. God yes! ;)

_Stefan: _Then meet me in the janitor's closet, now.

- This is non texting -

Hurrying from the large assembly hall, Stefan and Klaus practically run to the small janitor's closet, slamming the door shut behind them as they quickly ripped off each other's clothes.

- Meanwhile -

Not noticing the pair of men leave the room before them, Bonnie and Damon slip from the assembly hall. Yanking open the door to the closet, they freeze as they come face to face with a naked Klaus and a half naked Stefan. Bonnie shrieks and covers her eyes immediately as Damon stares at them, jaw gaping open.

Stefan makes an attempt to cover himself but Klaus just fixes the pair an amused look, arms crossed over his chest.

"Like what you see, Damon?"

Damon turns away, practically slamming the door shut on the two men as he wraps his arms around Bonnie.

"I never ever needed to see that."

Bonnie shakes her head before grasping Damon's hand in both of hers and drags him away, murmuring softly.

"I know where another closet is, don't worry..."

- Meanwhile -

_Kol: _Hey, you able to bunk off class?

_Jeremy: _Obviously. Why mate?

_Kol: _Well... I have plans for you. ;)

_Jeremy: _Ooh. I'm intrigued. Tell me more.

_Kol: _Well, it includes you, me and the art closet. You'll have to meet me to find out more.

_Jeremy: _Now?

_Kol: _Duh.

_Jeremy: _Give me one minute.

- Non texting -

Bonnie and Damon shuffle down the silent art corridors, his hand pressing into her back as the closet comes into sight. Damon lets out a sigh and pulls open the door with a rough shove only to be met with yet another scarring sight. The two lovebirds look up away from each other to stare wide eyed at the intruders who simply looked back. They stay like that for less than a millisecond before Damon promptly slams the door shut, leading Bonnie further down the corridor mumbling under his breath.

"Seriously? I will never be able to un-see that."

Bonnie makes a face, glancing down at her shoes.

"Urgh, I think I stood in paint."

Damon also glanced down, an expression of amusement appearing on his face.

"Uh, sweetheart. That's not paint.."

Bonnie paused for a few moments, pondering this before groaning in disgust.

"That is gross! Oh my god!"

Damon chuckles, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"Don't worry love, we'll head to the bathroom to get that cleaned up and maybe it'll be free for us to, y'know."

Damon winks, leading Bonnie to the bathroom.

- Meanwhile -

_Elijah: _Good morning love.

_Elena: _Morning baby. You alright?

_Elijah: _Mhm. Better now love.

_Elena: _Aw. You're sweet.

_Elijah: _Oh? I thought I was salty.

_Elena: _Mm. Should we test that theory?

_Elijah: _I think we should.

_Elena: _Meet me in the bathroom in 5.

_Elijah: _Shall do love.

- Non Texting -

Bonnie's petite fingers wrap around the door knob and give it a soft tug. To her surprise, it doesn't budge. Her eyes narrow and she pulls harder on the handle, desperate for it to open.

"Why won't it open?" She growls lowly as her body thrashes with each pull, Damon just standing aside to watch the fiery redhead. Her thoughts are soon interrupted by a loud moan coming from the bathroom.

Bonnie groan in defeat.

"You have got to be kidding me! I'm now glad that the bloody door is locked.."

Damon chuckles at Bonnie but listens more carefully to the moans, definitely hearing something down the lines of "Elena." Frowning, he tugs on Bonnie's arm, meaning to pull her away from the door.

"C'mon lo-"

"FUCK ELIJAH! Oh yeah!"

Damon's eyes almost bulge out of his head as he proceed to drag Bonnie away, ignoring the cries of "Elijah" and completely blanking out the answering moans of "Elena". This was too much.

Bonnie rolls her chocolate eyes, muttering under her breath.

"I knew it."

Damon grins as an idea pops into his head, pulling Bonnie down the corridor to a deserted kitchen.

"Finally."

*insert hot Bamon sex*

"Damon? Bonnie? Oh my god!"

Bonnie and Damon practically leap apart, fixing their identical guilty expressions on Alaric as he stands in the door way.

"You have /got/ to be kidding me. Can no one fuck a pretty girl in peace these days?" Damon mutters angrily.

Bonnie swats his arm as Alaric rolls his eyes.

"School is not the place for this sort of behaviour Damon."

"Go tell that to the other three fucking couples that we walked in on!"

Damon glowered at the ground. He was going to kick karma's ass.

**So. Who's mind was blown? **

**R&R please!**

**And, if we get enough reviews, Slut might write what actually happened during Bamon sex and post it for y'all. Ooh, and Falcon might write a sequel. Who knows. Thanks for surviving until the end of the story darlings! WE LOVE YOU!**

**The Slut and the Falcon.**


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